The Meeting Questioned

One day we will meet
face to face,
heart to heart.

When I see you
for the first time
will I reconize
that it is you?

When you see me
that first time
will you find
great pleasure
in who I've become?

Worlds apart
can not deter
pure love,
pure devotion
that is truly
yours and yours alone.

Each day
I sense
your blessings
pouring over me
even though
often I feel
lost
and
alone.

Why does it
take so long
to endure
the journey
to your demesion?

Constantly I'm
torn between
my life
and yours
never confident
in what road
might lead
to you.

Perspective Drawings: Various Mediums

This is a drawing that I did for my Adult Drawing II class.  I am very happy with the finished result because I am not the best with clouds nor trees.  I was challenged to work on these skills, and I believe they made the difference to round out this piece.



This drawing is another attempt at perspective drawing in a little different manner than the barn above. I wasn't as successful with this one because the clouds are awkward, and the river should be down deep in this valley. The medium used here was colored pencil.

The Rainy Walk Tragedy

Tonight I was walking in the rain just lost in thought. I was searching so deep with in my intellect to find the answer to my situation of despair. As I walked, I wondered what to do? What was the right course of action? What would bring me happiness?
At a total loss for words and direction, I had decided to walk off the stress that was overwhelming me. This isn't something I do often, in fact, I never had done it before, and had no idea how much it would change my life and difficult situation. Why did I always have to struggle? Especially with this junk! I thought I had defeated this struggle many times before to just end up there struggling again. It's draining and devastating. I wanted so much to give up, but they wouldn't let me. They had always been there for me, encouraging me, spurring me on, never allowing me to give up on myself and my situation. I still don't understand why they do this to me, but that is the way they are.
This night I felt it was all his fault. At times I wanted just to get away from him and the way he made me felt, but I never knew how to accomplish this feat. I just was tired of fighting this horrid fight. I wanted no part of it any longer. But, I was trapped. I couldn't find a way out. I felt my heart racing...no pounding deep within my chest with such intensity that I thought I might have a heart attack or at simply pass out at this point. During the time we were engaged in the most intense exchange I'd ever been sucked into, my mind raced along with my heart with such fury that I couldn't focus on what he was trying to convey. He obviously wanted me to understand his frustration, but his words eluded my understanding at every twist and turn of the horrid affair.
My mind was still racing so, that I needed to clear it some how. It was at this time I found myself staring at a twisted version of my parent's home. This portrait wasn't what I remembered from my childhood, though that part of my life I did my best to never thing about it, or talk about it. You know, somethings are better just left where they are...in the past. That was what I desired with my childhood because there wasn't anything to gain from delving into any of the junk left back there. Everything there was just that...junk. My mind raced even faster at this point because I knew it was him bring up everything from my past. He enjoyed bring it up because he loved seeing me squirm and then beat me with those mistakes. He knew when it was all over that I would continue to beat myself up for my failings.
This reminded me of what I had felt my entire life. I honestly just felt like a pile of junk waiting for the garage sale that would never come because let's face it most people just don't care to get involved with someone else's junk. But He never seemed to feel that way until that rainy night.
"What is that? Is that a train horn that I hear in the distance?" was my thought when I heard an indescribable yet familiar sound.
I whipped around to be startle by a dark figure I did not understand. I began to run faster, but the shadow followed by matching each step with my which aided this figure's gain on me. With each step, my heart pushed the rest of my body to move faster and faster, but nothing helped me lose him or increase the gap between us. As I was running, I slipped in a puddle that covered enough of the sidewalk that I couldn't see the crack that caught my foot and caused me to fall hard upon the cement which in turn caused the loudest pop I'd ever heard. Immediately I felt an intense, horrible pain in my right leg that enveloped every muscle. Just then I looked up behind me, and I saw the shadowy figure with the brightest light behind it my eyes had ever beheld. At once, my panic was instantly flushed out of me, and I woke up breathing erratically, drenched in sweat. HE had saved me once again, and left me whole to continue the fight one more day, not allowing the shadows to oppress me like they had for so many years. Freedom...I was wakened by freedom.

Frustrated Love

Oh how I love you
Do you understand how much?
I think not.

Perhaps someday
it will become so clear
that I love you
so much my dear.

I will with patience
slowly wait
for you to grow
in understanding
of my undying love
my dear.

For now I will
instruct with love so deep
And into that little mind of yours
to cause understanding to seep
so that you can one day
become fully His.

Lost Angel

Your skin so soft
Your eyes sleep so sweet
Your breath so warm & yum
And cheeks so smooth
Perfect forever you'll be
As your loving little eyes
Search the depts of me

Never have I felt
Never have I thought
Never have I known
Love so deep
Never would I have imagned
All you have changed in me

Your existance has left
A unique mark on my life
That can never be erased nor altered
No matter where I go
Or what I do
You have truly forever changed
My inner most being

Now, I stand before this fork
In my life's journey
My heart searches
For a door that never will be found

There is no way out
My heart finds no relief
From the tragic pain
It endures each moment
Never will I be the same

Blessed am I
For having known you
My precious angel
Broken will my heart
Forever be
For having lost you
My precious angel

Extra Special Friends

This is the story of two people who would make an unlikely pair in most peoples' minds, but were destined, perhaps even ordained, to spend their lives together. He grew up on a farm in central Montana a.k.a. “the middle of nowhere”. She grew up in the 4th largest city in the USA. There could not have been two people that grew up so differently, but crazy enough, they were so much a like in who they were and what they believed. It really was as if they were made for each other. There is only one being that could have orchestrated such an... let's say... adventure, but perhaps God Himself.
Anita, grew up unloved, unwanted, confused about everything especially who she should be, and no one ever thought she would amount to much, including her. Ryan, on the other hand, grew up in a Christian home, so he was very loved, very wanted, certain of who he was in Christ despite his insecurities, and always thought he'd just grow up to be a farmer. Little did these two know what was in store for them and their future spouses. They had no idea that who they would date though out the years would not be “The One” they would spend the rest of their lives with. Oh, no, this story really had to be needed to be much more complicated and interesting because it just wouldn't be an awesome story worth telling if it wasn't, right?
So, they were attending the same university, and we will call this university...um...let's say...The Nerd Herd School or University of the Geeks, or we could just call it LeTourneau University because that's it's real name though the other names do describe it well. Anyway, this university was a Christian university, one of the cool ones, that is, because the girls and guys were allowed share the same sidewalk without being donned in a strict gender specific wardrobe like many Christian universities tended to require the student body to adhere to.
Anita began university a year before Ryan did, which means that she was able to hit the dating scene before she had any inkling that Ryan even existed. This would be a very sad fact when he joined the floor Anita's boyfriend at the time was on because Ryan would fall in love with Anita at first sight. Almost. But, he resigned himself to the fact that she was someone else girl, and he would have no chance to woo her. So, he moved on to admiring other girls, and put her out of his mind completely, at least in “that” way. They were living their lives without any idea of what God was trying to do in their lives because Anita was in the mist of major blond moment in her life. Anita wasn't a dumb girl, but she had done some pretty dumb things in her life probably because that was her apparent heritage. Her mom was dumb with guys, her aunt encouraged gaining the affections of the opposite sex, and her other family members did not give her the appropriate picture of what relationships with the enemy...err...I mean the opposite sex was supposed to be like. If Anita hadn't been in la-la land she might have been able to find her one true love before she was officially an old maid, spinster, or just one very confused chica. She could have been shielded from the anguish that she was inevitably to endure just a few years after their first meeting (that she really barely remembers), but he, Ryan, gets all warm and fuzzy inside just thinking about.
Then 3 years later, Anita gets dumped by the guy she loved so deeply, so much, she thought she might bust at the time. She thought she would spend the rest of her life with him. No, that guy wasn't mean to be hers forever. She was left devastated, even more confused, and now numbed by the fact that she was again rejected. Again she was told that she was unwanted, and unlovable. She now felt that no one would ever want to love her and no one would because the pain she now walked around with every moment of everyday would keep her from ever loving anyone for a long time. She was done. For her, any thought that she would find anyone as great as the ex was completely unfathomable. She didn't want anyone else. No one could fill the shoes of “the ex” because he was so romantic, smelled so clean (which was a nickname he held because it was completely true and completely funny), and had such a successful life in his future. But, “the ex” told Anita that he felt that it wasn't God's will for them to be together. “The ex” wasn't telling her anything new. She was fully aware of her rebelliousness when God had told her “to dump his butt” just a few months after crossing paths with the man she would eventually grow old with.
Often she had struggled to be obedient to God in this area of her life, but had always been strong enough to turn away from a guy. “The ex” had been different. In hindsight, maybe she was different. Maybe she was done before “the ex” walked into her life, and she wasn't aware of this fact. Dating “the ex” would be the only thing she truly regretted in her life.
She returned to university after about a month after. Basically, she was still a walking sore. She would do anything socially to not return to the solitude that surrounded her in her apartment, or have to endure observing the roommate interacting with her fiance. Any interaction that was expressed between couples was simply unbearable for her. Emotionally, she was just too raw to witness such behavior. So, the first night she had returned after holiday her guy friends invited her to a movie, and she accepted just to avoid being alone with her thoughts. They made plans to meet at school since a huge group of people were going. She drove to campus and hopped into a car that contained her one & unknown true love. She had grown closer to this group of friends over the 3 years that had passed which added to the confusion of a random “act of violence” that would transpire that night on the way to the movie. One of the guys in the backseat pulled her hair. This act that was intended to be an expression of undying love that was not received as such. This act caused Anita to feel that she was again unlovable. It would be just a few weeks later, that something would chisel away at this lie that Anita had been clinging to for her entire life.
In the weeks that past after the night they had attended the movie, being completely unaware of what the other was thinking, feeling, struggling with would now bubble up to the surface to be revealed. Anita became aware that she felt increasingly uncomfortable around Ryan. She was reminded of a random meeting a year and a half prior to this moment of awkwardness that she as certain that Ryan would pick up on. So, as she thought back to the random meeting she realized THAT was the first time she remembered seeing Ryan for Ryan. She had been walking down the hall of Ryan's floor and glanced into his room as she walked by. Something had caught her eye. She took a couple steps back and did a really cool side slide into his room, which was very different for her since she wasn't ever that cool in any point of her life, or so she thought. When she caught sight of what had caused her to stop in the first place she did not deter her gaze but for a second to acknowledge the person that was, at that moment, staring at her with a puzzled look on his face.

“Hey, Ryan,” she said.
“Hey, Anita,” he said.
“Um, who's speakers are those?” She said as she pointed towards these long, slender, black, Sony speakers. She was drooling at this point.
“They're mine,” he replied, in a matter-of-fact manner.

They chatted for awhile, a long wile. Anita had totally lost track of time. She was snapped back to reality when she realized she was deeply longing to touch his dimples that were barely visible under the mounds of facial hair that had always repulsed her until this moment as it appeared. It was at that moment that she realized she was smiling, not only on the outside like she always tried to do no matter how she felt inside so no one would know how she was really feeling inside because she was truly unhappy. Life with “the ex” wasn't as wonderful as it appeared to be, but she had convinced herself that she would, that she wanted to marry him. She wasn't the type to go back on her word either. So, at this revelation she excused herself and vowed to keep her distance from Ryan because she had to guard her heart despite her desire to be free from any attachment at this point in her life.
The incident that caused her to ponder about that encounter was a time when Ryan had a movie on in his room with a small crowd of people that slowly trickled down to just them. This occurred during the time she had realized her true feelings for Ryan. She couldn't handle the awkwardness she felt, so she bolted from his room. As she walked down the hall she wondered why she felt this way. She had no desire to feel this way and had been avoiding her feelings, trying to stomp out any inkling of attraction that she felt. What exacerbated this inkling was Ryan and Anita had a mutual friend that suffered from Cystic Fibrosis. This friend, who's nickname, was Smack because he would always throw the smack talk down. Smack became very close to Ryan and Anita after “the ex” was out of the picture, and Ryan had reached out in the car that night on the way to the movies to touch Anita's hair because he had just been informed, by smack, that Anita could be wooed now that “the ex” was no longer a part of her life. Ryan's heart leaped for joy, as he would later describe to his wife that was expecting their first child at that time.
Their friend, Smack, was the one that helped them find each other. He had tried to enlist Anita's help to find a girl for Ryan being totally unaware that she had feelings for the farm boy. Anita held her feelings for Ryan inside, but she shot down every girl suggested to be “the one” for Ryan. She so easily found fault with everyone that was brought forth for examination. In her mind, there was no one that was worthy of Ryan's affections, but perhaps hers. This still confused her and frustrated her because she valued their friendship of almost 5 years at that point in time. She wanted to do nothing to destroy what they had between them, which she thought might be perceived to be more for her than to him. She decided that she would keep this to herself, but she could not in the end.
Smack and Ryan would come to dinner at her place a few times a week because Smack was sleeping a lot because he wasn't well, just how unwell would not be known for months, but Ryan and Anita did their best to care for Smack. So, anytime Smack would sleep through dinner, Anita would invited him to eat with her but to bring a friend. After awhile she would wait to have dinner after she knew he had eaten. Part of what would push her to wait was to see if she would be able to have a few moments in Ryan's presence as well. You see, she had this rule that one guy wasn't allowed in her apartment alone with her, so Smack had to bring a friend. And he almost always brought Ryan, which after awhile Anita would suggest that Ryan and he should come to dinner together.
This went on for weeks, and the time spent in Ryan's presence brought transparency to Anita's feelings. Once this was in full swing, she knew that she had to tell Ryan that she was pining away for him, but she had promised to herself she would not mess things up this time. Holding this truth in was causing her to loose control or so she felt. She was doing a lot of the crazy antics that she had done most of the time at university. Some of her antics were beginning to be directed towards Ryan, specifically, and she knew he'd figure it out. Perhaps even one of the other guys might have figured it out and that would have been the end of her. The guys would be relentless in their taunts, and she would not have been able to endure them. She was certain that Ryan would reject her feelings for him. She just couldn't tell him because it would change everything and perhaps in a way that would be unfavorable to her sensibilities. She did the only thing she knew to do; she prayed for guidance and wisdom as to what to do. What would be best?
Ryan and Anita would spend quite a bit of time chatting on-line at this point. She for three nights in a row told him that she had something to tell him, but she wasn't sure if she should tell him. He just reassured her that she should do what she felt was best. His response stirred a restlessness in her because she thought he was really dense if he didn't see right through her words, or he was trying to ignore that he saw any interest that she had in him, which would have indicated he didn't share her feelings. She didn't want to come out of this experience more battered and bleeding than she already was from the sting of undesirable relationships that she had participated in thought out the previous years. She just wasn't sure if he was the one or that she should be the one to open up first. After those three sleepless nights that were filled with nothing but tossing, turning, crying, and praying, she felt she had not other choice than to just fess up about the motives of her strange behavior towards her longtime friend. She couldn't be normal around him any longer; she knew that he had to know the truth. That was just the way she was, all or nothing. Her feelings had long ago been awaken, and at that point she had no idea how to reel them in. So, she had to give into them. She often wondered what would have happened if she had said nothing, would anything be different? Perhaps not because Ryan was a shy guy and had his own heart broken back in the day. But we will never know the what if, because Anita took the plunge and told him the third night-that-she-liked-him...but..she didn't want a relationship at the moment. She cringed as she waited to hear the rejection that she was almost certain to follow. To her surprise, on both sides of the emotional spectrum, that his reaction was, “That's okay.” She was in shock. What was, “That's okay” supposed to mean??? Didn't he realized she'd put everything, all of her on the line!?
In hindsight, God's plan for the guy to pursue the girl is probably more for a standard of protection of the girl's emotions than just a method of torture as Anita had viewed it in that moment and honestly most of her life. So, she did what any girl would do in such a dire situation. She totally began the barrage of questions like, “What do you mean? What do you think about the whole thing? What are we going to do now?”. You know the awkward silence that all you can hear is a pin drop or a cricket chirping? That is what Anita heard...um..I mean read as the cursor just blinked endlessly for what seem like a lifetime until the words, “I like you too.” appeared on the computer screen. Finally, after days and weeks of contemplating the proverbial “what if”, there was a strange sense of relief without any true peace that washed over her. There was still the hang up though; she didn't want another failed relationship. Remember, she was done. She'd had it with relationships. It was time for a courtship. If he wasn't going to marry her, she didn't want him.
They spend a lot of time hanging out with friends hiding their true feelings for each other in public, but many nights they would steal away to a corner of the student center or a patch of grass outside to talk. They would spend time finding out who the other one was. Who knows if this was the best way to go about a relationship that wasn't a relationship, but God worked something amazing out in those nights in each of them. She learned how to have an interaction with someone of the opposite persuasion without this physical complications. She struggled at times still. She would laugh and then smack him on the arm realizing he was a little toned which caused her to realized that her little Irish cheeks were all aglow, then snapping her hand back lightening fast.
Ryan had always looked like a wild mountain man that never shaved, or so Anita guessed that is what a mountain man would look like since she'd rarely in her life seen a real mountain. She wondered why he would hide such attractiveness under all that hair. He'd been so greatly blessed to have dimples. Honestly, who would want to hide them under a beard?! Then it dawned on her. He was hiding his handsomeness so that someone would see Ryan for Ryan and not a hot guy with even hotter dimples. He knew he was attractive, but he valued himself so much more than to settle for something so shallow, something so fleeting. Anita looked Ryan square in the eyes and told him just that. Ryan was moved to tears because he had finally found someone that saw Ryan and understood him. Or so he thought. The thing he truly found was someone who could be able to understand him, even when he was not truly understood by her.
They continued their talks and their dinners at her apartment with Smack. One evening, after dinner, she was doing dishes and the guys were lounging in the living room talking about cars and their upcoming plans for the Spring holidays. Smack had wanted to go to Las Vegas but his car was toast. He had been trying to convince Ryan to go with him, but Ryan resisted for some reason that would only become clear to Anita years later. Smack saw that Ryan wouldn't budge, so he suggested that they go to Montana and swing by his family in South Dakota on the way back. Ryan told him that he would be up for that. Immediately, Smack looked over in Anita's general direction and asked if she wanted to join them. She was so shocked and speechless that she stammered that she'd have to think about it, as she shot a look in Ryan's direction.
Later that night, Anita asked Ryan what he thought about her joining them, and if his parents would disapprove of such an adventure. He said it shouldn't be a problem and it was up to her. Again, it would be a couple of years after that she would learn how badly he wanted her to join them, and what he would tell his family about his feelings for her.
She had to think very long and hard about whether she should or shouldn't tag along. She prayed, asked her family what to do (they didn't approve), and thought long and hard about the adventure. She decided that she'd go to have an adventure with Smack because he was going to graduate that May, and she knew he wouldn't always be around because he'd already beat the odds, given estimates by his doctors by 4 years already. She was so thankful for her decision because after their crazy road trip Smack got very sick. Anita put Ryan as a reason at the bottom of the list. She went for Smack and for her, but she got more than she bargained for out of that trip.
Since Anita had decided to accept the invitation, things between Ryan and Anita continued to move along at a nice slow pace that Anita could handle. The awkwardness that had plagued Anita after pouring out her feelings to Ryan had subsided, so she was enjoying his company. They continued their late night chats on-line and in-person, but she felt so separated from him, which was good and difficult because Ryan was so different from everyone she'd ever met. Honestly, he completely confused her all the time. It was just so annoying most of the time, but she overlooked this flaw for the time being. She was waiting on God at this point.
The Spring holidays arrived. They all drove straight through to Ryan's house. The other guys had said they would keep each other company driving on one shift, and Anita would keep Ryan awake on another later that night. Finally, after much moonlit conversation and almost 2,000 miles they arrived at Ryan's home. They were greeted by Ryan's mom. She gave extra special attention to Anita with lots of hugs and proud mama smiles. Anita just chalked it up to a mistaken mom that was hopeful that this girl her son had brought home was going to be her future daughter-in-law. Anita pushed any notion of the like out of her head because they were no where near a situation like that. She decided to not try and be anything but the broken, still pain stricken young lady that she was. She wasn't going to try to impress his family or try to make them like her like she'd done in the past. Though, she thought they reminded her of her family, but she didn't want to lead them on, nor deceive herself in any way. She was just going to be.
After a few days with Ryan's family they headed to South Dakota to meet Smack's family. They were so strange to Anita. Smack's parents called each other “lover” all the time. It was super creepy, but sweet at the same time. To deepen the sort of creepiness coupled with the super sweetness factor, Smack's mom would sit in her husband's lap while she was visiting with them. It was obvious they were still in love with each other after many years of marriage, but still kind of uncomfortable.
The whole trip was one of the most awesome adventures in Anita's life. She was stretched, amazed by the sights, and was able to become closer to her friends. She had gotten a taste, a small taste, of what stressful situations would be like with Ryan around. They had survived their differences many times on this trip. For example, Ryan's annoyance at Anita's catlike distaste for being wet when not bathing or walking in the rain. Or, Anita's annoyance at Ryan's lack of concern for proper restrooms. They were in Colorado and had to make a pit stop for everyone to answer the call of nature. Ryan chose a rest stop of sorts. They certainly were not what Anita had been accustom to in Texas.
Let's picture a cracker box to shield you from the wind. You walk up to it and enter through the maze like entry that greets you without a door. When you finally find the “stall” what you find is so grotesque that you could possibly pass out. All you find is a 5 gallon bucket turned upside down with a hole in the bottom, which is now the top, and on the very top is what appears to be what someone was trying to pass off as a toilet seat. Anita marched her little self back to the Taurus of Ryan's and plopped her little self down, in the passenger seat refusing to use such sub-par facilities. Ryan's response? He laughed thinking she was joking, but oh, no! It was no joke. She held that little bladder of hers until they stopped the next time.
Anyway, when they returned to school they were unaware of how much their lives would change in just a few short weeks. They noticed that Smack had slept a lot over the break, and it worsened after they returned to such an extent that he was in the hospital perhaps just a month later. Ryan and Anita were spending more time together at this point. She had met most of his family at this point, including his relations in Dallas. They decided after attending one Saturday service at his aunt's church that they would continue to do this for the series that was being taught. They would stop by to visit Smack in the hospital on their way to church. This gave them time to talk on the drive to and fro, and they learned quite a bit more about each other. Most of the time they were with other people or in such public places it hindered deeper discussion. Ryan knew what he wanted out of their relationship but knew that Anita wasn't on the same page. He kept his feelings to himself so well that Anita had no idea, and she kept the wall she had built after “the ex” had departed. So, though they spend a lot of time with each other they remained friends.
During this time was their first officially, unofficial date. Anita went shopping to find the perfect dress and shoes which she found, and Ryan was just as fashionably naive as any engineer is expected to be. This bugged her in so many ways. How could she have feelings for someone that was so out of touch fashionably as this poor guy was, seriously?! But, Anita put it aside and tried to enjoy herself. She enjoyed the symphonic experience they shared, and was quite surprised how cultured this little farm boy from Montana really was. It was a relief to her. She enjoyed the arts a great deal. She also noted how chivalrous he was, which was a great improvement from the actual sort of first date where they had shared a meal at a very popular Italian restaurant that was so awkward and so different than any date she'd been on. So, she did what any girl in her position would do. She decided it just never happened. End of story. But, the symphony changed her opinion of him a great deal. She would later reminisce how this must have been a little God moment for her realize just a smidgen of God's ultimate plan for their lives and that she needed to be patience with this poor boy.
So, the days turned into weeks of traveling to visit Smack in Tyler and later in Dallas where Smack was moved to, and listening to a lot of the same sermons. Because you see Ryan had made a deal with Anita that he would attend church with her so that she'd make it on Sundays. She struggled with the pain that “the ex” brought to her life when they were together and when he had disappeared. She lost the desire for much of what she loved, and even lost herself in the entire process. This would be something that she'd regret for the rest of her life, and would at times feel such great sorrow because she'd often feel she had cheated on the one she would spend the rest of her life with.
One Saturday visit with Smack made the inevitable truth of his situation profoundly obvious. This Saturday was very different. His family was coming to grips with the reality that Smack was loosing the fight for his life. He'd been on a ventilator for a few days, maybe a week. Ryan and Anita knew they would be returning to see their friend for the very last time very shortly, thought they were not certain how shortly it would be. It was just 3 or 4 days later that Smack's family let all his friends know they were going to take him off life support. Ryan and Anita when with different groups because Ryan had dropped a guy from his floor off at the airport and was already in Dallas. It would be the first time they'd visited Smack without each other's company. This saddened Anita, and it deepened with the fact that she didn't talk to Ryan at hospital at all coupled with the pain of loosing a dear friend.
Ryan and Anita met with each other after returning to campus that night still reeling from the shock that their dear friend whom had been the driving force for them to spend so much time with each other, was no longer walking with them in their journey. They talked about how it made them feel because Anita made sure to ask, so she could be a friend and understand this strange creature just a little bit more. They made plans to attend the funeral that would take place just a few days later in South Dakota.
Ryan, Anita, and 3 other of Smack's close friends piled into Ryan's Taurus to make the 1,500 miles or so trip once again. Also, Anita again took the late night shift to help keep Ryan awake. The fun adventure they had just been on only about a month before had been overshadowed by their great loss this time around. Everyone was understandably reminiscent of Smack life and simply somber. As they approached the house they had had so many laughs with their dear friend, the fun games, and interesting discussions they enjoyed together were now rushing through each of their minds. They were deeply aware of what they had lost. The next couple of days were filled with stories of who their friend was, and their eyes were opened to how much of who their friend had been to other people was similar and different than the friendships they had experienced with Smack. But, everyone agreed what a wonderful, extremely intelligent, deeply caring person he was. Each person his life touched had been significantly changed forever. Anita was reminded of how he never made her feel stupid for asking a question, and his advice he gave her about Ryan. Smack told her to not forget herself, and she never did.
Anita and Ryan returned to school changed. Their relationship was different though Anita wasn't totally sure how, but she felt it. Ryan was contemplating what he was going to do for the summer because he needed a class that was being offered, and there was something nagged at him to not go home. But, he had always gone home. He enjoyed his work with the school, and thought he might like to do it when he grew up. So, he decided to stay. Anita always stayed during the summer because she really didn't feel she needed to be a burden to her family any longer. She loved them, but she had gotten so used to having her apartment, and her life that she just couldn't see herself going home. She really loved her apartment too and had no desire to loose it because she was just a poor college student and didn't have the money to keep it if she wasn't in town. So, these decisions where ones that would change their lives forever because this is when Anita would realize just how much she enjoyed Ryan's companionship. She realize that he was truly a godly man that she had an amazing friendship with. Though they still had stressful situations that would arise, one where he didn't walk her to her car because in his mind she'd said no to being his girlfriend which meant it was inappropriate do such a thing, but this was not true in hers. There was another stressful moment where they ended up sharing a kiss, and who but God knows how that happened! Anita left so panic-stricken that she suggested that they never do it again. Yes, it was apparently that bad.
Anita during this summer was focusing on her relationship with God, and how she could regain some self-discipline in her life. So, she read and studied which is what motivated her to turn down Ryan's proposal to be his girlfriend. But, this too was an element of foreshadowing of what would become completely clear in just a months time. Ryan, during their time together one evening before departing for dinner had shared his ultimate dream. He wanted to return to Montana to start a ranch for troubled teens. She tried with everything in her to keep her amazement and excitement to a minimum because she had dreamed of doing something very similar for single moms with troubled teens. She often thought if maybe this was a small sign of God's will for her life, but she chose to keep her mind open until God made his plan clear to her.
In Anita's reading and studying she had meditated on the possibility of remaining single for the rest of her life. This is, also, why she refused to be Ryan's girlfriend, and she just had no desire to be known as someone's girlfriend anymore. She wanted to be known for who she was not who she was dating. She didn't see any reason to label what they shared. She just wanted to see where this road lead without any preconceived notions to muddy up the waters. She also wanted to stay focused on her classes because she wanted to be the first in her family to finish college. Even more so she wanted to continue to guard herself with Ryan because at this point they were basically the only one's left for the summer, and she didn't want to slip up in anyway like she had so many times with so many others. The kiss that Ryan and Anita shared was what she wanted to be the end of any mistakes that would burden her with guilt.
She also though about Ryan's trip home for harvest. She didn't look forward to him leaving, but she was starting a new job soon. She was interested to see how she would do without him. Would she be able to handle it? She did well without him, but each day she would drive to work she would ask God what was going to happen to them? Would she really have to spend the rest of her life alone and without close companionship of the opposite sex? Was that really God's will for her life? She didn't think being single was for her but, after a couple of days she realized that she really did deeply desire to marry. But she'd ask herself so many times, is Ryan really the one? She did her best to push it out of her mind. When she did think about it she would just talk to God about it and try to leave it with him to free her to do the things she needed to do. So, now that she knew she wanted to marry she began to understand that there was a desire in her heart to not loose Ryan, but the one thing she did learn through loosing the ex was that it wasn't up to her. She had to wait on God for the answer, and she wouldn't have to wait long.
Ryan returned after being away for two long...very long...very, very long weeks. Another of their friends, Jayson, had returned from his summer trip already, and had kept Anita company. He had shared an apartment with Ryan during the summer and was staying at Ryan's new apartment in Anita's complex. So, Jayson was hanging out with Anita when she received a call from Ryan to say he was back. Ryan had asked Anita and their friend to join him and his parents. Ryan was obviously just as excited to see Anita as she was to see him because he couldn't wait until she arrived the 1000 feet to his apartment. He met her half way where they shared a huge hug. Anita knew something had changed in her, and wondered if she sensed something different in him. Before Ryan left he had seemed distant and reserved. There was something different in the way he looked at her, and in his hug too. Though, she didn't remember ever hugging him before that time. Perhaps it was part of the deception she participated in to negate that she even had feelings for the poor boy. It would take a week for her to understand what had occurred to change her godly man.
About a week after Ryan had returned to school, he stood in the doorway of her room in her apartment just staring at her intently with his usual piercing stare but with an intensity she had never known in his eyes. She had to ask him what was going on. And when she did he returned the favor that had started this story. He told her he wasn't sure he should say anything. She couldn't help but smirk a little. She convinced him to spill the beans, and she was left breathlessly speechless with her mouth gaping open. He told her how he'd been praying about what to do regarding them, and he felt God had told him that Anita was to be his wife. He was to marry her. She would not learn for some time that God had never spoke to Ryan his entire life until that moment God told him to marry her. The first time, and every time after hearing that story it would bring tears to her eyes. She understood how special she was to God and to Ryan, and what they shared.
So as she stood there in total shock he in turn asked her what the look was for, and she shot back that she wasn't so sure she should share. But he reasoned with her that if he had shared his heart she obviously should share too, and she did. She told him about her conversations with God while he was gone and how she knew that she wanted to be married coupled with the feeling that when he wasn't around something was just simply missing. She had to tell him also that she couldn't take his word for it, but that she would believe they would marry when it happened. He seemed to understand why she felt that way because he knew some of what life was like for her when she was with “the ex”.
It would take a couple of months to find the ring which they eventually did, and coordinate a meeting with her family. They were obviously uneasy about this union for who knows what reasons. She no longer trusted their opinion because they didn't know her or understand her, her relationship with God, or trusted her judgment in anyway though they had taught her much of what she knew. She knew that she had to trust God above anyone else, even the one she would grow old with.
On November 11, 2002, it was a Monday night and Anita had worked in the afternoon, had a 3 hour English Literature class that night. Ryan had only asked her cousin for his blessing to marry her on Saturday. He had planned to ask her to marry him that night, but she knew him too well and spoiled his plans. So he changed them. This evening in November was to be the day he asked her. He'd gone to her apartment to cook her a romantic dinner, with romantic flowers, to make official what they knew was to be their destiny. There were two huge problems with his plan, Ryan and Anita. Anita was so not in romantic mood or being proposed to because though he was going for romantic she wasn't feeling the romance. She was rushing around because she had to leave in less than an hour to be bored to tears by Dr. English “Monotone” Lit. It just wasn't a good day for romance. Maybe when she returned from her class would be better timing, but not in this very rushed moment of her life. So, she did what any stressed out girl would do. She avoided eye contact and just kept moving.
He had run into a problem with his romantic dinner. He had cooked chicken, but didn't have anything to make Alfredo sauce. So, he asked for her culinary expertise to help him out. She thew a marinara sauce together and excused her self from the room to change into less confining cloths. She came out to flowers in water with the wrapper still protecting her red roses. She did her best to appear surprised even though she told him that there were flowers usually when one proposes to another the first time he'd thought he might make it official. At that point dinner was ready, and they sat down to eat this totally not romantic, weird dinner. And then out of the corner of her eye she saw him put his hand into his pocket. She, of course, did what any of senseabily stressed out girl would have done in such a strenuous moment. She bolted to the bathroom freaking out trying to find a way to get past him and out the door to avoid the question. She was surprised by the fact that she had been waiting for this day her entire life and now she was completely bugging out because everything wasn't perfect. She was still comparing her past life with her present and future life. This would be a comparison that would plague her mind over and over again for years to come. She knew she couldn't avoid him, so she returned to where they had been eating where he caught her, bended down on one knee, and proceeded to ask her if she would marry him including her full name in the proposal. The awkwardness and anti-romanticism continued. She didn't know what to say; she needed a moment to think so she embraced him. She couldn't help but laugh her head off in the most intensely nervous laugh that had ever bellowed from her lips.
She thought as quickly as she could have thought through what she was feeling and what her options were. She didn't want to accept this as the story she would tell their children and grandchildren. It was like, pretty lame. But, she knew how sensitive the guy bent down on one knee was, and that if she rejected him he might never ask her again. She didn't want that either, so she mustard up every bit of courage she had in her to mutter breathlessly, “Sure.” At which he placed the ring on her finger, bade her farewell, so she could mull over what had just happen. She'd been the victim of a random walk-by rushed proposal. Her head was swimming which meant she wasn't any good to sit through a lecture for 3 hours of monotone dry humored explanations of what some story or poem some dead guy wrote. But the longer she gazed at the ring she understood that things were now different for her. This process wasn't finished that night. It took years before she could walk without guilt or the barrage of lies that had always floated in her head. But God was faithful to provide ample confirmation that this was His will even in the mist of so many people questioning if this was the right thing for her.
The ultimate confirmation came through their pastor who had gone through premarital counseling together with them. They were about half way through the counseling process when the pastor looked at Ryan and commented on how much he saw Ryan's Love for Anita, and though the pastor sensed an apprehension in Anita, it would be Ryan's love and patience that would help her make her way through her struggles. He told them that they had what it would take to make a marriage work for the long haul, and he wouldn't marry them if he didn't see that quality. Anita was so astonished at the pastor's words. She'd asked God for confirmation because everything that had loved “the ex” battled within her against this prospect of marriage. She needed God's confirmation because this battle caused great doubt in her decision. She had been wrong once before, and she wasn't completely convinced that this what she wanted, what she needed. Even more so, this love that was still aching for someone else was trying to convince her that she'd given up to soon on what had been. But she fought the lies because she knew she'd been disobedient and rebellious in not ending her relationship with “the ex” when she had been directed to by God. This time she would not make that mistake again. She was done.
On March 1, 2003, over a year had past since Anita had realized her feelings for a good friend of hers. It was on this day she was able to trade just a good friend for the one she would grow old with and have kids with. Which, at that point, was still being disputed as to how many there would be and who would be having them, since she wanted none to maybe 3, and Ryan wanted 5 that she told him that he would have to have at least 2 of them if that was really the desire of his heart because she wasn't on that page. And, as they say, the rest is history!